Mended

This is the last thing in the world I thought I would be doing with my life. Since the age of 18 years-old I'd sensed God was calling me to ministry, but I had no idea what that would look like. I started on this journey with the Lord having no idea where he would take me. To say that its’ been quite the ride would be an understatement. But, I remember when Jesus broke through like a flood into my broken heart and brought healing only He could. It was in the spring of 2010. I didn’t realize it until much later, the condition my heart was in, my heart had been broken so many times and in so many different ways that the thought of handing it over again was about more than I could bear. Between my parents divorce, hopes of a romantic relationship dashed, and people who I thought were my friends dragged my name through the mud...I was nothing more than the walking wounded at the beginning of 2010. I remember sitting in my community group at Passion 2010 after having just gotten back from Nicaragua all of 2 weeks prior, still adjusting to being back in the States, but also coming off one of the hardest years emotionally I had gone through in awhile. Things had finally let up, but there were still deep wounds. At the beginning of the week we were asked to go around and share what we were hoping to get from Passion that year. When it came time for me to share, without anytime hesitation, I blurted out, “healing.”

I was shocked at my own answer to be honest. That week would prove to be the beginning of God doing an transformation in so many ways, and within the next few months he would use a sentence that I read in a book to break through the cracked walls in my heart. The Lord allowed me to discover an Author/Teacher by the name of Marian Jordan and through one of her books, Wilderness Skills for Woman, these fallowing words are what shot through me and brought with them freedom I didn’t even know I needed.

“What seems like rejection is God’s protection.”

Simple, but profound to me. What does that even mean, you maybe thinking. It is in reference to talking about the Sovereignty of God, which simply means He is in complete control! For years all I felt was rejection (family, friends, relationships (or lack there of) school, work, ministry…etc) each of these in one way or another had made me feel rejected and unwanted and unloved. But with that simple statement my tears began to fall. Tears the symbolized years of brokenness. I felt like I had perfected the: smile and act like you are fine, when really your dying inside look.

There was one instance I remember sitting in my car and I could not pull it together—deep down I had been believing so many lies about God and one of those was: he only took from me. I felt like all God ever did was take things away. Even though my dad was still in my life deep down what I believe was: the minute I let someone in they will just get taken away. I believed God was a taker…but that is not who God says He is, and its not who He is. I had allowed my circumstance to define God rather than allowing God to define my circumstances.

That’s why that statement was so huge. God had me  take a step back and look at the bigger picture. Those guys I thought I wanted to be with so bad…take a look at where they are now. It wasn’t necessarily all bad, just that God wanted more for me. Was my parent's divorce God’s will? No! But has He used it for his glory, and to birth in me a passion to see godly marriages and desire one of my own one day, and do the work required? Yes! I always seemed to struggle in school and the last thing I ever enjoyed doing was reading and writing, and yet when those words shot through my heart and the flood gates of God’s healing began to run all over me with that came a fierce passion to share what God was doing in my life with others, and especially share all He has brought me through and I don’t think have stopped writing since.

I didn’t even know I had any semblance of a gift for writing. The last two years have been made up of  seeing God Interrupt my life and my plans and show me that He has something so much better. Just the other day I was standing in my kitchen thinking about a conversation I had a year ago. In that moment it was a conversation that brought with it a lot of pain, and confusion, but it also brought me to me knees and I needed to be. I was running full speed ahead after what I thought was God’s plan for my life (in terms of ministry). But I was running so far out ahead of God I couldn't even see Him! After that conversation I went from running out ahead of God to running from God. Not where it was obvious to anyone looking, but in my heart I was rebellious!

In Get Over Yourself,  Jennifer Beckham talks about the grieving process: Denial, Anger (turned outward then inward), Grieving, and Acceptance. Denial lasted all of about 3 weeks and then anger came with avenges. I finally got around the really grieving and then accepting what happened and that I couldn’t change the past, but I could learn from it and pray for God redeem what got broken and move forward. But, like I said the anger (turned outward then inward) lasted awhile. But, writing was something God used throughout the process to help heal me. There were many nights I would read and study God's Word with tears like like a rushing river coming down my face. I would be fine, and then the memories (regrets, guilt, and embarrassment) would come in like sucker punch to my faith and send me to my knees breathless. I reason it hurt so bad it because I didn’t know what I had done to be treated the way I was. What made people think that could treat me this way…it wasn’t the first time. So for months I poured out my heart to the Lord, and in the morning I would pull myself together and go do my job for the day. I had a few people I worked with I could go to behind closed doors and remove the happy mask. But once again, writing was what God used to minister to me. He pointed out what the root issues were (what was really at the bottom of my actions and reactions) and so much of it was rooted in unbelief or simply lies the enemy had whispered for so long; I didn’t even realize they were lies.

As God began to heal me, he began to heal the relationships around me that had been broken. But there was still apart of my heart that was running from the interrupted life. This was not at all how I envisioned my life. Five years ago I had a nice plan laid out of how my life was going to look, and you’ve probably heard it said, “You want to make God laugh? Tell him your plans.” That was defiantly the case with me. I determined my steps, but the Lord’s ways are what were going to prevail.

I would still have nights that I would have flash backs to moment over the last three years I wish I could erase, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t take anything back, I couldn’t change a thing, but God has used and is using every single bit of it for his glory.

It was the last session of the conference and I stood in the back of a room in February 2013 full of close to 300 girls; and watching these beautiful young ladies worship was leading me in worship. But, during worship I just remember saying to the Lord, “Thank you for the cracks!” My life didn’t look like I had hoped. It didn’t turn out like I had planned. I wanted perfection. God wanted my weakness to display his strength.

I’ll just share one last thing with you, and it’s a story that always minsters to me, and I hope it does to you. In her book Mended author Angie Smith talks about how she took a pitcher and smashed it to pieces and then put it back together as a form of therapy. She writes what you’ll see below after she finally finished piecing it back together and it stood before her in all its imperfection:

“The image of my life as a broken pitcher was beautiful to me but at the same time, it was hard to look at all the cracks. I ran my fingers along them and told Him I wished it had been different. I wished I had always loved Him, always obeyed Him, always sought Him the way I should. I was mad at the imperfections, years wasted, gaping holes where it should be smooth. But God, my ever-gracious God, was gentle and yet convicting as He explained: My dearest Angie (insert your name). How do you think the world has seen Me? If it wasn’t for the cracks, I couldn’t seep out the way I do. I choose the pitcher. I chose you, just as you are. He loves the gaps because there is the potential for more of Himself to be revealed in you. Let Him help you smash and rebuild His most coveted possession…you. Despite the heartache you have over the choices you have made, it’s never too late for Him to sculpt something beautiful.”

Writing and teaching keeps me seeking Him, it keeps me drawing near to the heart of God; relying on him, because I know that unless he gives me the words…nothing will come. I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing- John 15:5. I can’t string five words together to make a sentence apart from Christ. I am so thankful for the truth in 1 Thessalonians 5:24 that says, “The one who calls you is faithful and he will do it.” (Emphasis mine.)

“My life is not my own, and I write to give away what I have been given.” –Jennie Allen