Organic Dating

Some women feel rejected because they’ve wondered why they haven’t been “asked out,” when in fact there has been a change in the dating ritual—and girls don’t need to feel rejected. Some of my friends have asked, “Where have all the strong guys gone? Why don’t men step up?”

One of the really big-picture lessons that was brought home to me lately has been that a new model of dating has emerged. Rather than guys just calling girls for dates, an organic and community-focused movement has come to the forefront. It is revolutionary and has happened over time. It happens in a natural setting and arises out of friendship. Garrett called it, “Starbucks Dating vs. Formal Dating.”

This relational model is much more relaxed. It helps take some pressure off. Without knowing that the model has shifted, girls have gotten angry about it, and that has put a chip on their shoulders and made them more distant—which in turn has continued to make building quality relationships difficult for them.

Nick points out, “A lot of people today simply play it by ear. With Facebook and all that, things are changing rapidly. There has been a shift to just let relationships happen organically. Don’t rush it, relax, and take your time.”

Brendon observed, “Girls can dive into the depths of a relationship while a guy is still climbing the ladder to the diving board.”

Did you hear that? Read that sentence again! We need to give guys time and space—or we’ll simply chase them away.

Brendon continues, “Take it slower. Enjoy the fun of being liked at least for the first few months. We tend to be too calculating. We need to just chill out and see what God does with it.”

Garrett summarizes,

“The way we approach dating is a lot different the older we get. Because of the high divorce rate and the way our culture depicts marriage, I think we are taking a more cautious approach. The dating is still intentional—but it’s as a slower pace. All the more we want to really get to know the person first.

Because of social networking, we are all linked in and connected, and I think this plays into it as well. The “hanging out” period is much longer than it has ever been. This is where girls might get confused. Most guys are slower about getting serious because we are comfortable in this “friend zone.” Being noncommittal and not feeling pressured is pretty standard for most guys. I think a lot of this stems from where marriages are today—which is not a good place. There is a safe haven here.”

I’ve come to see that God can use hurt and pain to propel us into a deeper relationship with Him. But both people (should) know that potential hurt is a risk that one takes in a dating relationship. That’s assumed. We can’t let fear stop us from enjoying friendship and seeing what God wants to do in our interactions. It cold be that we are just called to travel with each other for a season, and there can be much good in this. One of my relationships in the last few years was only three months long, but it was something that was very healing and empowering even though it didn’t work out long term,

Vulnerability, openness, and deep sharing invite community. When we are vulnerable with one another, we see their humanity and we are drawn to them. Humanity links us together. We don’t have to put on a big show. When I’m in a truly vulnerable situation and pouring out my heart, it can be so painful. It can hurt to be that vulnerable. Love is a risk and it will hurt, but it’s worth it. What comes from the good kind of vulnerability is that the other person can choose to accept or receive you in grace (in your strengths and in your weaknesses). And you can do the same to him. There’s such beauty in this.

Grace is at the top of my list of how we can honor one another in relationship. Don’t think the worst, trust the heart; don’t jump to conclusions, choose grace. Pickiness and a critical, fault-finding spirit turns us away from each other. But grace knits us together in trust. 

[Excerpt from What is He Thinking? By: Rebecca St. James]