Equally Yoked

What does it mean to be equally yoked? 

Good question.

I got a text the other day from a sweet girl asking me write a blog post answering that question. So here it is.

First. Where does that term “equally yoked” even come from? In 2 Corinthians 6:14 the Apostle Paul is writing to the Corinthian church-- he cautions them, not to mingle with unbelievers, not to be unequally yoked.

Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness?- 2 Cor 6:14 (ESV)

Many have read the verse "Do not be unequally yoked…” and have then assumed from it, all kinds of restrictions on Christian marriages. What constitutes an unequally yoked marriage?

Many will be shocked to learn that this verse is not exclusively referring to "marriage."

The phrase "unequally yoked together" is not a phrase that applies to just "marriage." It is talking about your closest friends, should not be non-believers. It is not saying don't associate with non-believers but that the closest people to you, the ones you really let in your life and who will play a part in molding and shaping you as a person should not be people who don't follow Jesus. Nonetheless, the principle certainly applies to marriage.

First, let's read the entire Scripture:

Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness? What accord has Christ with Belial? Or what portion does a believer share with an unbeliever? What agreement has the temple of God with idols? For we are the temple of the living God; as God said, “I will make my dwelling among them and walk among them,and I will be their God, and they shall be my people. Therefore go out from their midst, and be separate from them, says the Lord,
and touch no unclean thing;
then I will welcome you, and I will be a father to you,
    and you shall be sons and daughters to me,
says the Lord Almighty – 2 Cor 6:14-18 (ESV)

First of all you see that it is not exclusively talking about marriage. The phrase "unequally yoked together" is the translation of just one Greek word, heterozugeo, which is a compound word that means, "to yoke up differently; to associate discordantly; unequally yoke together." It is used but this one time in the Bible.

The word "yoke" means a coupling as when two oxen are coupled or yoked together by a pulling beam to do work such as plowing a field or pulling a wagon.

And so Paul is telling the Corinthians congregation which was steeped in paganism and their cities peppered with pagan temples, that they should not be "unequally" yoked with those that practiced paganism or any works of darkness.

Okay, now with this history lesson out of the way here is some take-home application. 

I love how the (HCSB) translates…

Do not be mismatched with unbelievers. For what partnership is there between righteousness and lawlessness? Or what fellowship does light have with darkness? – 2 Cor 6:14 (HCSB)

So in the context of talking about not being unequally yoked in dating relationship…yes I said dating, because there is about a 99% chance you will marry whoever you date so therefore don’t even entertain the thought of even dating someone who you couldn’t marry.

Where were we? Oh yes, dating. Marian Jordan in her book Radiant explains so beautifully the importance of being equally yoked. Before we get into what is “equally yoked” look like I want you to see why it is so important.

Sadly I’ve watching as girls who love Jesus walk away from Him when their hearts were torn by the desires of the world, or when they squeezed out their loyalty to Jesus. One Major issue I must address is radiant woman dating or marrying someone who does not profess Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior. Scripture is clear on this point. (2 Cor 6:14). The reason is simple: like King Solomon, if we love someone who does not love our God, then our hearts will be torn, our loyalty divided, and our commitment ultimately brought to the test. In marriage, the stakes are even higher when we consider the enormity of life decisions that a couple makes. If both parties aren’t living for the glory of God and focused on loving Jesus, then their priorities will be at odds. For that reason, we who love God should not even put ourselves in a place of temptation to marry a non-Christian….because we marry whom we date, then it makes sense that we should refrain from dating anyone we wouldn’t marry so that our hearts don’t get entangled.

If you marry someone whom you are mismatched with—and I don’t just mean non-Christian, but I mean someone who “claims” to be a Christian but there is no fruit in their lives and they are obviously not at least trying to live for Jesus—don’t go there either! You wait on someone who is not only a believer but who is running at about the same pace you are with Christ. Because if they are not…they will not be able to understand your heart.

Today faith in Jesus defines the people of God rather than physical heritage. Still we need our deep ties to be with faithful believers, because two people cannot be bound together while walking in opposite directions in life.- Kelly Minter

You don’t want to marry someone who just says their a Christian. You want to marry someone who is leaning so far into God that if he’s not real they’re going to fall on their face. You want someone who is willing to travel out into the unknown in the name of God and run with you there. Don’t compromise on that. You want someone who is running in the same direction and at the same pace as you. That’s the kind of person you want to marry.

Don’t compromise just to get married. You want to be able to bind yourself to someone who can speak with you about the deepest things in your heart, the thought about your God. You don’t want to link up with someone who can’t do that.

“The loneliness of singleness will not be assuaged by the loneliness of marriage when you’re lying in king size bed next to someone who you can’t talk to you about the deepest things of your heart. The thoughts you have about your God.” – Ben Stuart

Don’t settle. You don’t want to spend your life dragging someone after Jesus. Wait!

Don’t rush into forever

You want the story of how you met that person and got to know that person to be a story of worship! You want it to be a miracle. You want it to be the kind of thing that when you look at your marriage you go, “this could only be the work of God.- Ben Stuart

In his book Just Do Something: A Liberating Approach To Finding God’s Will  Kevin DeYoung gives some advice about dating/marriage that I absolutely love! I read this book throughout the summer of 2010 as a requirement for Camp. Each summer our director would walk through a book with the staff, and this was the book, and I still find myself referring to it when it comes to how to make wise decisions. Below is an excerpt from chapter 9.

Searching for the will of God in marriage. What decision, we think to ourselves, is more important than picking a husband or wife? Surely, God wants to, in fact, must tell me who is the right guy/girl for me.

Such an approach sounds spiritual, but wisdom points us in a different direction. That’s the thing about wisdom; it’s less of a detailed road map and more of a way to make decisions in many different situations.

Step One: Search the Scripture.

            The Bible won’t tell you whom to marry, but it does tell you something about marriage. Marriage should be between one man and one woman. Christians should marry Christians (cf. Malachi 2:11; 1 Cor 7:39). We should not be unequally yoked (2 Cor 6:14). I wouldn’t advise a very mature believer to marry someone who converted yesterday, nor would I recommend a Protestant marry a Catholic, nor an evangelical wed a more liberal Christian. Those marriages still work out sometimes, but that’s not the model. You want to yoke yourself to someone who is going to be plowing in the same direction you are.

Step two: Get Wise Counsel.

            Do your friends think this marriage makes sense? Do they see you growing and flourishing when you’re around him/her, or do they sense that you get moody and frustrated whenever you are together?  Even more importantly, what do your parents think? It’s true that sometimes parents object to marriages for all the wrong reasons. But in this country we probably honor our parents less than we should and are too impatient wit them and try too little to bring them along and hear them out when they aren’t excited about a boyfriend or girlfriend.

Step Three: Pray.

            Ask God for pure motives. You don’t want to get married for lust or money or for fear of being single. You certainly don’t want to get married to show an ex-girlfriend or ex-boyfriend that you are desirable after all. Ask God that He would help you be honest about who you are and that you might  know the other person for who he/she really is. Ask God for help not to make a decision based on your hormones, and that you won’t refuse to make a decision out of cowardice.

            Finally, pray less that God would show you who is the right husband or wife and pray more to be the right kind of husband or wife. If everyone was praying to be the right spouse, it wouldn’t matter nearly so much who is the “right” spouse. Dump your list on the seventeen things you need in a wife/husband and make yourself a list of seventeen things you need to be as a husband/wife.

Step Four: Make a decision

            I know this may sound crass, and your parents might not appreciate the advice, but guys, if you like a girl and you’re both Christians and your friends and family aren’t alarmed and she likes you back, you should probably get married. Let me be quick to add that singleness is not a disease in need of a cure. God can lead you into a time (or lifetime) of fruitful ministry as a single person. And if you at times feel frustrated over an earnest longing to be married, remember this time of being single is part of God’s good plan too. The church, for her part, needs to do a better job of reaching out to singles, not treating them like misfits or as simply married people waiting to happen.

            So I want to be clear: There’s nothing wrong with being single. But gentlemen, there is something wrong with waiting around for God to pluck a woman from your side. He did it for Adam, but He’s not going to do it for you. No matter who you marry, it will be hard work. So find someone to marry and work at it. You may get cold feet before walking down the aisle—that’s normal. But don’t overthink yourself into lifelong celibacy.

            Too many young guys are waiting for writing in the sky before they make a relational commitment. It doesn’t have to be that complicated. Gentlemen, there are wonderful Christian girls waiting for you to act, well like a man. Stop waiting for romantic lightning to strike. Stop waiting for the umpteenth green light. Stop “hanging out” every night without ever making your intentions clear. Go ask a girl on a date, or ask her “to court,” or whatever you think is the appropriate language. But do something. If you want to be single, that’s great. Jesus was single. I hear it can be a pretty good gig. But if you want to get married, do something about it. Take a chance. Risk rejection. Be the relational and spiritual leader God has called you to be.

            Let me say it one more time: There is nothing wrong with being single. It can be a gift from the Lord and a gift to the church. But when there is an overabundance of Christians singles who want to be married, this is a problem. And it’s a problem I put squarely at the feet of young men who immaturity, passivity, and indecision are pushing their hormones to the limits of self-control, delaying the growing-up process. Men, if you want to be married, find a godly gal, treat her right, talk to her parents, pop the question, tie the knot, and start making babies.

All this is my long-winded way of saying don’t over-spiritualize it. You will know if a guy loves Jesus. You won't have to question it. The Bible even tells us how to spot someone who really does follow and love Jesus. It really comes down to you personally focusing on loving God and loving people. 

Seek first the kingdom and walk in the direction the Lord has for you. Pray for God to give you a heart to love Him more than anything else in the world. I can promise as you allow the Lord to mold and shape your heart to look more and more like his His your desires are going to change, and you will be surprised at how you are naturally attracted and drawn toward guys that love God just as much…if not more...than you.

 It really isn’t something you have to worry too much about if you are doing what you are already know to do. When Jesus is not just the center of your life, but your WHOLE life you don’t have to worry so much about whether the guy you are interested in and yourself are "equally yoked" or not. Not that you won’t be tempted to settle for the rebel, but I have found, personally, when I really surrendered to Christ and wanted to live a life for His glory it’s almost as if God also changed my eye sight and desires in that moment, because since that time the only guys that I liked have been guys who really do love Jesus and love people.

It will then all just come down to making a decision whether to move forward as more than friends or not. Don’t over- analyze and over-spiritualize. Seek first the kingdom and his righteousness and all these other things will be added to you.