Catch the Little Foxes

"Catch for us the foxes, the little foxes that ruin the vineyards, our vineyards that are in bloom”- Song of Solomon 2:15

The last few weeks, I’ve been thinking and learning a lot about how to handle conflict well. Rather it be at work, or in my everyday relationships, I want to learn how to have healthy conflict--Because it’s going to come. The goal shouldn't be how to not have conflict but rather how can we conflict with people in a way that brings about growth, community and reconciliation. Instead of what usually happens: broken hearts, hurt feelings and unresolved conflict that turns into resentment and bitterness.

Typically, most people handle conflict one of two ways. Fight or Flight

Flight: Avoid Conflict

Fight: Aggressive (ready to go at it)

Our goal shouldn’t be either. We don’t want to ignore and avoid, but we also don’t want to attack. We live in a world/culture now where we are either overly sensitive or insensitive. We become overly sensitive and as result we them become insensitive towards whoever/whomever hurt our feelings.

Without turning this into a novel, how can we do conflict well? How can we honor God in how we handle the conflicts that will inevitably come our way? Because I don’t know about you, but I have me some conflicts that I’m having/needing/wanting to learn how to handle in a healthy way.

    1)     Deal with the small things before they become big things

"In your anger do not sin": Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.”- Eph. 4:26

"Catch for us the foxes, the little foxes that ruin the vineyards, our vineyards that are in bloom”- Song of Solomon 2:15

We want to catch those little things, those things that don’t seem that big in the moment, but it’s those little things that if they're not dealt with can eat away at our daily lives and enjoyment of each other--they can keep relationships/community from blooming and growing as God intended. Those little foxes turn into big foxes that can ruin what God is not only developing in us but in others. Relationships (all kinds) matter to God. We were not meant to do life alone—we need community.

So it’s important that we cherish our relationships enough to catch those little things before they become big things.

I’d rather sit down with a friend and share something that may seem little and insignificant in that moment and the two of us clear the air and walk away in 10-min laughing about it. Rather than the alternative of keeping all those misunderstandings and hurt feelings stuff down deep until one day one little thing sets me off and all those emotions blow and mess up an amazing friendship that had potential to be a huge blessing.

For example: When my students are doing something they shouldn’t be in line or in class (and they know the consequences). I ask them, “I hope what you’re talking about/doing is worth sitting in time out over or loosing play time?” Typically they agree it’s probably not worth sitting in time-out during recess over. 

Same goes in a conflict. Is ignoring the problem really worth what could happen down the road if not dealt with now? Is attacking the person really going to solve anything? Probably not. 

It’s much easier to catch a little fox than a big one.

Like Eph. 4:27 says “don’t give the enemy a foothold.” You give him a foothold, he’ll take a mile or more! Deal with those little things. Now, don’t be nit-picky—that’s not what I mean. Pick your battles wisely. But also, don't ignore the little things that could later become big things if gone unchecked.

2)      Assume the best

A person's wisdom yields patience; it is to one's glory to overlook an offense- Prov. 19:11

When faced with a situation of hurt feelings/conflict I always try to first filter everything that person did or does through this: What do I know to be true about that relationship and how that person feels towards me (i.e. They love me and care about me. This person/people would not intentionally hurt my feelings). If I filter everything through that lens I can avoid so many little arguments.

Sometimes we come to people about the way they are treating us, and we assume things about them (motivation) based on the way they are treating us that simply are not true. Most of the time, in reality, the way they are treating us has nothing do to with us in that moment, but rather something they are going through.

Assuming the best is where we want to always start from, because when we don't start from a place of assuming the best that’s when our emotions/feeling/thoughts start running away with themselves and we end up in an emotional mess over something that might not even be true. 

So before we jump to conclusion, stop and take a moment and filter that persons actions that the lenses of what you know to be true. Most people, do not intentionally go around trying to hurt other people feelings. That way, even if/when you do talk about the situation if it's something that needs addressed you and I are not coming at the situation all uptight and offended. But rather from the prospective of I know this person cares me and I care about them, therefore let's resolved this conflict so that wall/distance isn't there & we can more forward reconciled. 

3)      Speak the Truth in Love so we can Grow

It's important that when we do go to that person/persons they know we're not coming at them and pointing out a flaw to destroy them, but because we do care about them and want to build them up we want to clear the air. Good communication builds community

The goal of communication in a conflict should be redemption, not destruction

^“Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ.”- Eph. 4:15

Speak: Evaluate is this something I can shack off or not?

Sometimes it's something that we can just shake off. Go home, run, eat, watch a movie, take a nap,wake up and see if after awhile if it's still an issue or not. Most of the time after awhile, we can shake little things off. But after giving it some time and you're still thinking about it, it might not be something you can shake off, and that's when there you might need to sit down and talk. There are other things too that we also need to learn to just learn to let go. 

Other times, it's simply something we can't "shake off." That's when it's important to go to that person (keep the window of time small between the offense and talking to them) and speak. 

My Pastor said something when talking about conflict that I loved. He said stop and ask yourself, "am trying to make a difference or a point. because you can rarely do both." If all we want to do is  make a point, that's our own pride and ego--pride and ego don't get to have a say in how we handle conflicts.  

Truth: What do you know to be true? The action, and how that made you feel. Don’t assume you know their motive or motivation.

Avoid generalities and extremes (ex. You’re ALWAYS a jerk, you’ve been SO rude lately), speak to the specific action and my/your emotional response to that specific behavior. Avoid assuming motives. We can ask about motives, because we don’t know what is in a person’s heart, but we can’t assume we know.

Love: How do we speak in love?

-By not waiting too long

-Pick an appropriate time and place to talk (for both people). Be considerate of their time and yours. Don’t pick a place that’s going to be humiliating. Be considerate.

-Speak! Don't text/email/PM/DM talk to that person (in person if you can) 

-Point out what you like about them—be encouraging to start out with. Don’t just come in with everything they did wrong. Point out all the things you like about them, then share the specific action(s) they did that hurt your feelings and why you’re coming to them about it.
-Speak with grace (they're not perfect and either are you) 

Grow: You’re not having the conversation to win one over on them, or to just point stuff out, but so that you two can be reconciled and continue to grow together.

The enemy is never the other person. The enemy is not the problem. It’s important to just sit down and talk through real reason behind why feelings were hurt so that things can be resolved & everyone can move on. 

4)      Forgive: If you’ve been forgiven much then you can forgive much

In life we are going to have our feelings hurt and hurt some feelings. At the end of the day, if we’ve done all we can (obedience) it’s our job to forgive and/or ask for forgiveness and then let God be God.

That’s the Gospel. Sin separated us from God, and Jesus came down not to destroy us but to redeem, restore and reconcile us to God.

So when we are in a conflict we do our best to catch the little foxes. Come to them in humility, and with a heart of grace & speak the truth in love and forgive so we can grow.

Remember, you’re not responsible for other people actions/response. Just yours! It’s our job to be obedient and leave the consequence up to God.

If we as Christian, handled conflict this way the world would marvel—and that is my prayer that we would get better and better and handling conflict in this way.In a way that honors God and esteems others.