Dear Married Friends! Everything Your Single Friends Want You to STOP Saying!!!
Hello,
If you are reading this, there is a
good chance you are married and friends with a single girl. She may have passed
this list your way. If you met your husband at a Christian college, this post is
not for you. If you married someone you met on a mission trip, this post is not
for you. If you married your high school sweetheart, this post is not for you.
If you met your spouse at church camp, this post is not for you. If you got married
before the age of 27-years old, this post is not for you. If you have the +1
wedding date on lockdown, again, you probably won’t relate to what is below. If
you wake up each day and think, “yep
this how I thought my life would look at this point in my life” of course
you’re more than welcome to read but you won’t relate. Just like I don’t
understand the agony of loosing sleep with a newborn, incorporating a man into
my closet space, sharing my bed with another human, you might not relate to my
story either.
Basically, I’m going to spell out all the
things we wish we could say to you but are too worried about hurting your
feelings. Just a side note: I know that anyone who says these things...it's coming from a good place. I just thought I'd give you a window into a single girls mind. We know you mean well---doesn't make it sting any less though. But know, we do love you! This list of what really gets under our skin, at best, and sends us
into the bathroom at couples parties crying, at worst. Please feel free to both
take my advice and be really, really annoyed with me.
XOXO,
Brittney
1) Don’t tell your
single friends it’s about being content
Most of the
world gets married. You got married. Especially in Christian American circles, marriage
starts fairly young and as hard as it is to go without at times, it’s much
worse when someone makes you feel guilty for wanting it.
Please be
careful not to imply that we should feel content with God either. All we take
away is that in addition to being single, we are also doing a terrible job
following Jesus. There is room in the Christian life to be sad. There is room
to be frustrated. We are often so quick to rush people into being okay that we
make them feel it’s wrong to be anything short of content.
2) Don’t compare your
single friends’ adult relationships to your high school or college ones
We
understand you dated him for four-plus years. We’re sure it was meaningful. No
one is saying it’s not. But adult relationships and teenage ones are different
ball games. Adult relationships typically start on a serious foot. It we break
up, it isn’t just about taking down a few sorority dance pictures; we are
breaking up with an entire future. The wedding, the house, the growing old
together that we most likely talked about with our ex will never come to pass.
Nearly every friend I’ve walked through an adult breakup with has turned to me
at some point and said, “I feel like I’m going through a divorce.”
3) Please don’t call
your single friend at 10am and ask if they are awake yet?
We’re
single, not children. We have jobs, lives and responsibility---single doesn’t
equal sleeping in all day. I wish!
4) Please don’t’
assume you can’t talk about “adult topic” around us?
Granted we
don’t get to go home and have sex with our husbands, but we are also not naïve
to life. It’s amazing how many people think, “oh, you haven’t had sex and you
don’t drink on the weekends so therefore you know nothing about life?!” We
don’t live under rocks—we’re just not married.
Single doesn’t equal “virgin ears.”
5) Remember that you
don’t understand what it’s like to be alone at this age
If we come
to you hurting, venting, or complaining, please don’t find a way to work in the
fact that you think we should be happy. (Unless we’ve done it a hundred times
and need to snap out of it. We need a good kick every once in a while too).
Doing everything by ourselves that we thought we’d be doing with a spouse can be rough
at times. My friend/mentor Melanie told
me one time, when I came to her about a problem, "I’m not going to act like I
know what I would do if I was single at your age—I’d probably think the same
things or say the same things. I have no idea what it’s like for you” (I loved
her for the honesty).
There is
nothing worse than when someone asks to pray with you about “your singleness”
and it goes something like this, “Lord, please help (insert name) to see the
beauty in her opportunity and independence. Help her see that people would kill
for her freedom and to be thankful.”
Sometimes
it feels like I’ve had enough “freedom.” I want to settle down with someone.
Being single doesn’t always feel like “opportunity.” Some days it feels like
being left behind. Even with a full social life of friends and family, the
truth is we eat most meals alone. We drive alone, come home to an empty house,
and put our suitcases in the overhead storage compartment all by ourselves. If
you’re married, you most likely don’t live that way.
I know
there are busy moms who would kill for some alone time. There are married
people who would love the luxury of a trip with girlfriends. I get (in theory)
that having kids and a spouse is stressful, hard work, and a ton of
responsibility. It’s probably good and bad depending on the day…the same goes for
being single. It isn’t perfect on either side.
6) Don’t complain
about your marriage to your single friends.
No one made you get married. You chose it.
Don’t treat it as a ball and chain that you were forced into as some “necessary
evil.” It was totally your choice, and free will to do so. Your single
friends are just that---single. They don’t know what it’s like to be married.
So don’t bring your marriage problems to them or vent about your spouse.
Marriage is a gift and blessing—even if yours doesn’t feel like one at the
moment. So don’t make your single friends feel guilty for desiring
something—that is good—just because yours is in a rough season.
7) Don’t set two
single Christian friends up just because they are Christians
If our only
common denominators are single and religion, stop yourself. Please use some
judgment when orchestrating these steps.
9) Don’t make your
single friends love life, or lack therof, the most pressing thing to inquire
about every time you see them
As much as
“finding mr. right” may be on our minds---it’s not the only thing. We are
navigating careers, possible moves, finding a church/community, serving in our
church/community, healthy relationships,
healthy life choices, personal walk with the Lord (growing faith), aging
parents…etc. So while you’re praying we’ll “meet someone” be praying for the
other 99 things that life is throwing our way as well.
10) Don’t assume every single person is looking
for a relationship
I would
argue, deep down, about 97 percent are
looking. Still, the 3 percent who don’t want a relationship do matter, and it’s
important to know where a friend stands.
Don’t be quick to put your expectations on them.
Equally as
important: don’t assume someone who wants to get married someday is always looking. I’ve gone through several phases of
my adult singleness. There are times I really want to meet someone and times
I’m very glad to be on my own. There are seasons when I’m open to dating and
season when I say no because I’m excited about investing in other things. It’s
best to ask where we are as opposed to jumping to your own conclusion.
11) If you aren’t
called to the single life, you won’t be single forever
A myth
pervading many Christian circles says that if you aren’t “called” to the single
life, then you won’t be single forever. I wish (more than you know) I could say
that you and I are going to get married because we want it, that “God wouldn’t
place the desire in our hearts if he wasn’t going to fill it.” But
unfortunately, I’ve seen plenty of people end up in painful circumstances they
weren’t notified they were being “called” to.
We all have
desires that go unmet. Nowhere in the Bible do I see a promise for getting
EVERYTHING we want in this life. How could this issue be any different? Can God
individually make a promises to people telling them they should trust him to provide
something? Of course! But I don’t think it’s a blanket rule.
12)In the meantime,
God will be your perfect substitute
Raise your
hand if you’ve had someone tell you that you should focus on being the bride of
Christ instead of worrying about finding a spouse. Keep that hand up if after
expressing your desire for a spouse you’ve been told that Jesus will meet your
every need. Those statements hold truth when used in the right context. Out of
context, they don’t line up with reality. For example, when we tell a fatherless
children that God wants to be their perfect and loving Father, we aren’t saying
that God is going to pick them up from practice or sit on their bed and talk
them through a tough decision. When we tell am amputee that God will meet all
their needs, we aren’t saying he is necessarily going to choose to miraculously
grow their leg back. We aren’t saying a close relationship with God will feel
and function as a missing parent or limb. What we are trying to say is that God
wants to provide other greater needs.
In the same
way, Jesus isn’t going to be your husband in the physical sense of the word! He
isn’t going to meet your real and normal needs (like provide a ride from the
airport, fix that broken shelf, be someone to have children with, or kill
spiders) as a perfect (perfect meaning “exact”) substitute. It doesn’t work
like that.
Promising
what God hadn’t exactly promised is harmful because it can make us mad at God
for not coming through. When we expect him to show up in a way we
shouldn’t, it’s easy to become angry or bitter with God or the church when it
doesn’t work out.
We grow
frustrated with ourselves because we think (or are told) that we need to trust
God more so that he’ll come through for us. The logic goes something like
this, “If only I were closer to God and trusted him more, them I would
experience the promises he made.” Or in other words, “Great, now I’m single,
God isn’t who I thought he was, and oh, by the way I’m not a good enough
Christian either.”
13) God is keeping
you single because he’s working on your character.
Translation: If you were a better
person, you’d be married! It’s true that
valuable spiritual growth and person development can take place during singleness. You and I
simply have fewer people depending on us, and this affords us certain
opportunities we might not otherwise have. But to say that is “why” God is keeping
you single is tricky. It could be. God
can use whatever he wants to draw people to himself, but it would be a hard
thing to prove as the ultimate reason.
No one is
perfect. Every married person met their spouse with out first learning certain
lessons or growing in different ways. God is most likely hoping to grow them in
marriage. There is no reason to believe he wouldn’t want to do the same for us
one day. And in this line of thinking, when would it end? Exactly what lessons
do I need to learn before I can get married? Is it when I master patience? When
I stop gossiping once and for all? How about when I’ve sold all of my personal
items and rid myself of contentiousness? Then will God bring me a husband?
Sounds silly doesn’t it?! Exactly! God
gives out of who he is, not because of how well we perform. His goal is our
Christ-likeness.
14) You have the gift of time!
WE WISH!
Singles simply can’t win in the time management department. My best advice here
is just get use to disappointing people. The sooner you come to terms with
this, the better. Expect your married friends to think you have all the time in
the world. Most of them will never notice that everyone else in your life feels
entitled to you too. All the time.
Somehow,
because you are single, you are supposed to fit what you have to do around what
everyone else has going on. And still be available to meet a guy?!
Why
wouldn’t you have time to drive during rush hour all the way to a stay-at-home mom’s friends house after
work? Why would you turn down leading a small group, greeting on Sunday, or
volunteering in the nursery? It’s not as if you have a family to tend to!
15) The SINGLES
CLASS!!!
The three
worst words in the English language to hear at a church from a married friend,
“you should join the single class.” I will unfriend you in half a second if you say that to me!
Singles
class is code for (church world) we don’t know what to do with you because
you’re not married. So lets create a class that reminds you even more of your
singleness---like a scarlet “A” on your chest.
Ugh! College/Career is much better—if you feel the need to name the
“group” or “Sunday school class.”
Relationship status does not equal identity—and that’s how it feels at
some churches. If you’re not a couple people don’t know what to do with you.
Again, as stated before, single does not equal inexperienced in life.
16) It’s just a
season!
Yes and No!
You don’t know that! I know it comes from a good place, but let's be honest---it's an empty promise. Yes, most things are seasons. Nothing stings more than
empty promises and that’s what that says, “at some point this will end.” We’re
single, not sick. Somehow whether a couple has been married 6-months or 6-years, if you’re not married (which is
all single is) are seen as victims. It’s not a terminal diagnosis, it’s a relationship status. Just remember that!
We’re not dying, we just don’t have a date this Friday! The world isn’t going
to end!
and talk for hours (because we have that ' good ole' gift of time' haha)
and I’m pretty sure we’d have a lot in common.
Johnson, Cindy (2015) Who's Picking Me Up from the Airport: and Other Questions Single Girls Ask
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