Hope.
Hope. That is what my soul needed in that moment. Hope. I
had never felt more fulfilled and more alone at the same time. From the outside
it appeared to a watching world that I had all I ever wanted—all my dreams were
coming true. In so many ways this was true—God has blessed me above and beyond
what I deserve. He has given me opportunities that are nothing more than
because of His unmerited favor on my life. But what most people never see, is
the lonely that I carry with me.
The loneliness is not always obvious, but it is very much
there. There are times I can feel the weight of it more than other days.
But there was something about living on my own for the first
time, in another state, within driving distance, now, of someone who broke my
heart that the loneliness began to almost more than I could bear.
The being “single and independent” was beginning to loose
it’s luster & appeal. No matter what anyone told me in hopes to bring some
encouragement or light to my current circumstances the longing to be
chosen—pursued—was very real.
This season of waiting on God has had it’s highs and
lows—but even the lows become highs when I look back and what God did in those
seasons. Waiting has been one of those things God has used the most to building
my faith and trust in His character, sovereignty & timing. It’s one of the
things God has used most to chip away at
the part of me that don’t look like his Son, Jesus.
Waiting has been one of the things God has used most refine
me.
But almost three years ago now I was beginning to loose
sight of this whole waiting thing and why I was doing it. What was the point?
What was I “waiting on exactly?” It was more than just “don’t have sex until
you get married.” There are plenty of amazing books and studies about that—I’ve
read a few myself.
The waiting I am talking about is waiting on God’s best. Not
settling because it’s easy. Not settling because it’s a quick fix to feeling
lonely. God’s best does not mean unrealistic expectations. God’s best for you
is your list of 77 things—that by the way no guy on the planet is perfect.
God’s best is actually a matter of shorting that list to what matters the
most…to God. How does God define his best? Waiting on God’s best does not mean
you don’t go on dates and get to know people—it’s learning to ask for wisdom
and discernment. Learn how to discern “God’s Best,” because you really can
discern that.
I am about to burst of your helpless-romantic bubbles but
there is no such thing as “the one” out there—you don’t have to live in fear
that you are going to miss “the one. “ The person you marry becomes “the one”
when you marry them.” God does not drop people from the sky into our laps. Yes,
God made Eve for Adam but after that…people pretty much had free will unless it
was arranged for them. We have a choice.
So when I talk about “waiting on God” I’m not talking about
passively waiting for something to drop from the sky. I’m not even just talking about waiting/saving yourself for your wedding night—although that is
truly a gift to be able to give. But, you are no less valuable or worthy of a
great love story if you didn’t wait to give that gift. God is a God of mercy
and grace—he restores and redeems.
You purity is not something you “loose” on your wedding
night. You may “lose” your virginity, but your purity and my purity is
something we have in Christ. We are pure because of Jesus Christ—he has made us
white as snow because of his death on the cross. Your purity and mine is apart of our new
identity in Christ.
The kind of waiting I am talking about is waiting on the
desires of our hearts—in this case one particular desire of our hearts. Love!
Romance! Marriage!
What do we do with our unmet desires, or in this case, an
unmet desire?
What do you do when you look around, and you’ve done all you
know to do, and realize that this thing—the ability to get this desire met is
out of your hands?
but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life. - Proverbs 13:12
My prayer is that these pages bring you hope, like they did
me. These pages are my own journey—God giving me glimpse of hope in the
waiting. During times when I didn’t really see the point…hope. Moments when I
didn’t feel good enough or worthy enough…hope. Seasons when I thought “Plan
Brittney” was better than what God had…hope.
I have wrestled with each of these things out with God
myself. I am not writing to you as one who is an expert. I have never nor do I
want to ever write anything out of expertise. I typically write because I am
learning and discovering something for myself and I am eager to share. I figure
that if I am struggling with this someone else is too.
My desire is for us to gain some hope in the waiting.
To gain purpose, some much needed perspective, and most of
all hope.
That’s what it means to Find
Beauty in the Waiting. The beauty is finding the hope, the purpose, at the
end of it all finding Jesus in the midst of it. That He’s right there with us
in it. Never leaving nor forsaking. We may feel alone, oh boy, have I felt that
very real sting! I know it hurts! I know it’s real! But we are not alone.
I had made a huge leap to move my whole life to Florida in
February of 2014 to help with a church plant on the Northside of Jacksonville
called Restore Church. As amazing of an
opportunity as helping plant a church was, it also like putting a big target on
your back and saying, “hey devil, hit me!” Seriously! I’m still not quite sure
why I am surprised that I get attacked when I try and do things for the Kingdom
of God. Maybe one day I won’t act so shocked. But from the moment I decided to
move it started!
I had never felt more alone, or single in my entire life.
It’s not like I had forgotten I was single, but I had never been more aware of
it then when you walk in a room of 100+ people and you are literally (aside
from the kids and teenagers) the only single person in the room—and I am not
exaggerating. Up until this season in my life I had felt lonely at times, but I
had never felt ALONE! First few months were not so bad, it was fun living on my
own. I as so busy and tired from my busyness I didn’t have a lot of time to
dwell on my lack of a somebody. But come summer time, I began to feel it…it
wasn’t just a desire…it was the very real string of loneliness.
Come about July I was ready to go home for more than a few
days. I needed like a week and some change! I finally got my week off and
during my first morning back in Atlanta I decided I wanted to go from a walk.
My friend Kim decided to join me on morning walk at a local outdoor track near
the University close to were I live. As we walked, she knew all about the title
and heartbeat to this book I was write…trying to walk-out and write at the same
time. She knew that much of what you are reading now I was very much in the
processes of trying to wrestle through and by the grace of God live out before
they ever made it into your hands.
So as we are walking and talking she looked over and saw a
large yellow daisies off in the distance among some weeds. She stopped and
looked at me and said, “beauty in the waiting” and took a picture. As we
rounded another corner she looked down again and spotted some small white
daisies that had popped up among some gravel on the side of the trial. She
looked at my again and said, “beauty in the waiting.”
The reason for that is because those are the images I want
these words to be—hope in the waiting. Beauty bursting forth with it’s hard to
see anything beautiful about your season. I want these pages of to breathe
faith back into your lungs. For hope to be found among the weeds of waiting—I
pray that God will use my journey to bring you hope—I’m having faith that the
Lord will do just that because I know he did it in me.
Again, I am not writing to you as one who has it all figured
out. I do not write as an expert on
waiting. But God gave me hope in the midst of my brokenness. He gave me a
candle in the wilderness. These pages are my daisies among the gravel…the
beauty in the wait.
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