The Tension of Temptation

The Tension

Waiting does not come without its fair share of temptation to give in to.

 I have never been so tempted to run into two sets of arms so bad in my life. His arms felt secure. In his arms I felt comfort. His arms hadn’t taken my heart and shattered it into a million tiny pieces. Maybe his arms were not the arms everyone wanted me running into, but I ran anyway. I wasn’t looking to run into some guy’s arms. That was actually the last thing I wanted to do, but yet it’s exactly what I found myself doing. Maybe he would be different! He wasn’t what everyone expects! The kind of guys everyone wanted me with only seemed to let me down and break my heart and I was D.O.N.E!

Every time he hugged me my heart about came out of its chest. I could stay here forever, I would think. This “feels” right. When I was with him it doesn’t hurt. I don’t have a million questions running through my brain. I am not walking on eggshells wondering if he’s reading into everything I do. I just can be—I can just be me. I can be happy and funny, or I could vent and be frustrated. Either way, he would stay. He didn’t run away. When he touched my hand I would feel it in my feet.

I had gotten use to pushing people away, whether I realized I did it or not. Deep down I would always think, I’ll just give it some time and you’ll do what everyone else does. Leave! You’ll go away too. Without realizing it my actions themselves would push people away. It’s almost like I wanted to know if you see the worst of me will you still stay. I was tired of “feeling” like I had to be perfect all the time. I didn’t want to put on some show anymore. I didn’t want a guy to fall for me thinking I have it all together all the time--that I will always say and do the right thing, because I won’t. I am a work in progress just like him and I wanted someone who could accept that fact.

That’s exactly what he seemed to do. He just loved me. It’s the weirdest thing that when I would see him with other girls it never bothered me. I knew he was young and he was “sowing his wild oaths” as they say. If anything my heart always went out to the girls…did they have any idea or did they even care that less than a month ago he was kissing on one girl and now he is kissing on you like you’re the only girl in the world? Really? My heart broke for the girls and at the same time I just rolled my eyes at him thinking, what are you doing?

But even in all that I still wanted to run into those arms. It still felt safer there than the alternative. When I wasn’t in his arms I had feel the pain I didn’t want to feel. I felt that sting of rejection come over me. Oh, how in those moments I would want to grab my phone and text him but nothing came to mind to even say, because even the sound of my phone beeping because of a text message from him eased the pain. He didn’t start out as my “vice” but that’s quickly what he became.

When the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye, and also desirable for gaining wisdom, she took some and ate it. She also gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it. – Gen 3:6

When I “saw” his for the first time I was done! Taylor Swift hit on something with the words, “I knew you were trouble when you walked in.” Also though I didn’t know he was trouble, but the way he his presence alone affected my emotions should have said something…haha. The very sight of him was enough to make my heart race a little faster & I don’t mean because I was nervous. It was actually quite the opposite. I was super confidant…almost too confident at times. I had never been the kind of girl who set her sighted on a guy and decided if it’s the last thing I do…he’ll be mine. But, for some reason I decided within just the first few days of summer that he would be mine! My little sister jokes about how I saw and conquered. She was even a little impressed.

But he was defiantly “pleasing to the eye.” He still is! I echo my friend Candace words, “sin is sexy.” Man, she wasn’t kidding! I am not calling this guy “sin” cause is not. He actually is a Christian, but the chemistry between the two of us obvious and tension between what he “shouldn’t do” and what we both probably “wanted to do” as thick. That’s what I mean in that “sin is sexy.” It has an appeal to it. It has pull and seduction that if you don’t have something or someone holding you back it’s doesn’t take much to fall into it.

That leads me to the word, “desirable.” Desirable is probably the best way to describe how I felt toward him. It didn’t start out as lust but it quickly became that.  Why? Because I allowed what I saw was pleasing to the eye to then affect my thoughts, which in turn began to affect my emotions which them began to affect my actions.

I remember one particular night I was having such a battle with my flesh I had text a few friends to simply pray for me. I wasn’t about to “do” anything. I as simply at home, but I was not taking my thoughts captive and part of me didn’t even want to—I say part of me didn’t but the other half did. Because I wasn’t’ taking those thoughts captive they were leading to my flesh wanting to do the things I was thinking about. I just have to be honest here, and the reason I am being so candid is because I want people to know the tension, between our flesh and spirit, is very real.

Some of this may shock you. But I share all that because I don’t think when it comes to  talking about waiting on God (specifically in the area of sexuality) no one really talks about the battle that goes on.

Praise God that between the prayers of my friends and my own prayers I was able to, with the help of the Holy Spirit, gain some control once again. That is the beauty of being in Christ. It doesn’t meant that we won’t ever have to battle it out at times with our flesh, but we have a choice whether or not we will be led by it.

“The way you think determines the way you feel, and the way you feel influences the way you act.” – Rick Warren

Have you ever heard the saying, “the devil made me do it?” Well, the devil can’t “make” you do anything.

The goal of the enemy is to get to our will—just as he did with Eve in the garden. The soul is what we use to contact the intellectual realm. It is comprised of five parts: the will, emotions, intellect, imagination, and memory. The enemy may use the other four parts—emotions, intellect, imagination, and memory—to get to our will, but free will is the part of our brain that does our choosing, and it is the enemy’s main target in the fight for our soul.

Our five senses—what we see, hear, smell, taste, and touch—are the gateways to our minds, the contact point between our external and our internal worlds. What’s why it is so important to be very careful what you let into your mind. External influences can become loud, opposing, “voices” that can drown out the voice of God in our lives!

The enemy’s one goal is to get to your free will—period! In order to get to your will, he uses your outside environment to produce a thought. Thoughts then trigger your senses, which them trigger internal emotions, reasoning’s, imagination, or memories that lead us to act. And as long as the enemy an preoccupy us with thoughts, emotions, reasoning’s, vain imaginations, and memories, then we are spending all our days wrestling with him instead of working for and walking with God. 

Remember: thoughts produce emotions…emotions lead us to acts…acts become habits…habits become lifestyles…lifestyles forge character…character determines destiny.

After lying in my bed and realizing I was not going to be able to lay here and sleep if I didn’t start taking these thoughts captive. So long story short that’s what I had to start doing. Because if I didn’t I was going to give into the thoughts and the emotions. Which is exactly what the enemy wanted.  We will screw our own lives up if we don’t learn to control our thought lives.

We have to start thinking about what we’re thinking about.

So in the moments when that temptation begins to raise it’s ugly head, that temptation to call or text him to see what he’s doing, that temptation to hang out with him somewhere that isn’t quite so public, when that temptation arise simply to run to him to make me feel better instead of running to Jesus—my perfect refuge—when that arise I have learned I have to take those thoughts captive. I can sit on them…as much as I want to.

Seeing him isn’t wrong. Spending time with him is fine. It’s when the motivation as to why is impure that I have to check myself. If we are really honest with ourselves, if we take the time to stop and really think about why we do some of the things we do, it would dramatically changes some things in our lives.

The tension to give in is real. I know!

But, God has give you and I a spirit of self-control and we chose not to give in. Do not quench the Holy Spirit. I could have “easily” just given in to my flesh...if I really wanted to.

But may we get to a place were our Spirit is stronger than our flesh!

I remember telling a friend after I saw him for the first time in months. I was blown away at my own self-control. I guess because it wasn’t “me” it was the Holy Spirit giving my self-control that on my own I know I wouldn’t have.

This was not “the plan.” This is not the way it was suppose to look! I think some people assure that when you’re waiting you’re not tempted, that your desires don’t ever get the best of you. But sometimes that the pull of the flesh isn’t there...oh but it is. No one ever said waiting was easy!