Pursued
“There is a difference between pursuing and stalking.” –
Perry Noble: Senior Pastor of NewSpring Church
“As women we long to be loved in a certain way, a way unique to our femininity.”- Captivating by: Stasi Eldridge
What does it mean to be pursued? What does it look like? How do you know if you are being pursued in a godly way, verse stalked and dealing with a guy who is obsessed with you? Guys don’t like needy girls and girls don’t like needy guys. If you are a girl who likes a clingy, needy guy we have other things we need to discuss. But for the most part we all want some balance.
But back to my question: What does it mean to be pursued?
This has been my journey lately with the Lord. What does it mean to be pursued—number one by Him and then by a guy? In girls ministry we through that word around a lot to girls (the guy does the pursuing) but what does that even mean exactly? Why is he supposed to do the pursuing?
If I am really honest I use to hate the whole concept- that the guy had to pursue the girl. Like that was the only way life worked? Since I am riding this honesty train if I may be so bold to say I thought a lot of girls used it as an excuse. They didn’t have a boyfriend/crush/date because no one was “pursuing” them. The thought that would go through my mind was “So, you won’t even talk to a guy first, or give a guy the time of day unless he comes up to you first? You will not even just go and say ‘Hi’ and be friendly? That’s a bit extreme!! No wonder you aren’t at least crushing on someone. ”
In her book What is He Thinking singing/author Rebecca St. James shares something that her cousin shared with her. Something he calls the “I want to be pursued” phenomenon.
Christian girls have strange expectations of what a guy should do in a dating scenario. They all want to be pursued, but they are also very cautious about showing interest in a guy—even if the girl really likes him. I get it. I really do. Dating is a game of cat and mouse. However, at some point a girl needs to take a chance and respond.
Girls often expect a guy to keep pursuing them even though they have responded to the guy’s advances with nothing at all. That is an unfair power play, and ultimately flawed understanding of how a guy thinks and what he can handle. No man is bulletproof. It takes two to tango and at some point you are going to have to take a chance on a guy and see if you can dance.
1) A treasure to discover
“The man who finds a wife finds a treasure, and he receives favor from the LORD.” – Ps 18:22 (NIV emphasis mine)
For you are a people holy to the Lord your God. The Lord your God has chosen you out of all the peoples on the face of the earth to be his people, his treasured possession. The Lord did not set his affection on you and choose you because you were more numerous than other peoples, for you were the fewest of all peoples. But it was because the Lord loved you and kept the oath he swore to your ancestors that he brought you out with a mighty hand and redeemed you from the land of slavery, from the power of Pharaoh king of Egypt. – Deu 7:6-8
I would be here all day, and so would you, if I were to describe in detail why each of these points below, but here is the quick reason why. #1 for it to qualify as a guy pursuing you in a way that is glorifying to God he must realize what he holding in his hand. Yes, he is also a treasured possession so the same goes for you. But, it is of utmost importance that a guy realizes he is holding something precious and valuable to God. You have a heart that is a treasure worth searching out. That he treats you as treasure. That he cherishes you and protects you. He asks questions to get to know you. Not hits on you to get only one thing. Like gold in a treasure chest, you heart is a treasure worth the discovery. There is so much beauty to found there if your heart belongs to Christ. If a guy is pursuing you the way he should he will treat you as the treasure you are. That he has a healthy fear of God and understands that he pursuing a Daughter of The King...so he better treat her right. But, girls make sure you treat that kind of guy with respect as well. God doesn't just have daughters...he also has sons.
2) To search out (to chase)
“O Lord, you have searched me and you known me!” Ps 139:1
“If I were you I would have stop chasing, but You’re love is too strong to ever let me go.”- Audrey Assad
This is kind of like the first, but a little different. To treasure is for him to treat you as a valuable, a prize, a gift. He treats you right. He protects you, not just taking what he wants and running. He values and cherishes what God has given him in you. To search out or chase is what we typically think when we first think of pursuing—the guy chasing the girl.
But, it paints a much bigger picture of how God pursues us. But, this is the difference ladies, no guy will EVER pursue you the way God does. But, the man’s pursuit of the women is meant to paint a picture, but we leave out the tiny, BUT HUGE, part of...responding.
Just like at some point we respond to Christ's pursuit of us, same goes for when a guy is showing interest. Ladies respond in a gentle and kind way. There is no pursuit without a response. At some point you have to turn around! It is not kind to allow a guy to keep pursuing you if you have no intension of ever returning the feelings. Don't play games. Don't find your value in whether you turn a guys head or not or whether you have a guy(s) chasing you. Be kind and considerate of others feelings. Guys are not bulletproof.
In Ps 139 what I love is that even though God knows everything about us, because is mind is so brilliant, he can still have the wonder of the search. Not so much for what he will discover, because he already knows everything, but simply for the intimacy of it. There is something is every one of us what simply wants to be pursued…and we are and will always be by an all-powerful, all-knowing, all-present God.
Even knowing everything he knows about me, he still chooses to chase me and pursue my ever-wondering heart. Again, no guy will love you as fiercely as God does, but you do want a guy who will search you out, and desires to know you. No guy is Jesus so don't expect him to be. Wait on a guy who is a least trying to live for Him.
I love what Ben Stuart says: “that kind of passion is a good thing. It’s meant to make guys get things together so they can get married.” It’s meant to give them a little motivation. Wink, wink!
3) Win her hand
You have stolen my heart, my sister, my bride; you have stolen my heart with one glance of your eyes, with one jewel of your necklace.- Song of Songs 4:9
“Therefore, I am now going to allure her, I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her. There I will make the Valley of Achor a door of hope. There she will sing as in the days of her youth, as in the day she came up out of Egypt. “In that day,” declares the LORD, “you will call me husband.” –Hosea 2:14-16
“If you’ll open your heart to the possibility, you’ll find God has been wooing you ever since you were a little girl…He knows what takes your breath away. He knows what makes your heart beat faster.” – Captivating
At some point it is the guys job to take the friendship to the next level. That is his job…not yours. I love what Perry Noble says, “Girls can drop hints, but it’s the guys job to pursue.” or my version of that "the girls can drop the handkerchief, but it' the guys job to pick it up." So, ladies by all means drop hints…but let him lead in the pursuit.
Back in Solomon's day the kind of women who followed behind men were prostitutes. I remember the first I heard that it shot straight through my heart and I thought, “I don’t want to be a prostitute!”
I love what Jen Smith in her blog post Dating Rules for Women
1) Mingle, don’t manipulate
2) Take notice, don’t stalk
3) Cross paths, don’t tackle
“She’s not forceful. There is a tenderness about her. She expresses her feelings, but then allows him to draw her away, she doesn’t draw him.”- Ben Stuart: Series on Song of Songs. Breakaway Ministries
4) Fight For
“ The LORD will fight for you; you need only be still." Ex 14:14
“Not only does Satan want to break-up godly marriages, he never wants them to happen…You’re gonna have to fight, and one of the ways we fight is through prayer…Prayer is not overcoming God’s reluctance, but laying hold of his willingness…How you see and view God affects how you pray.”–Marian Jordan
“We fight our battles on our knees.”- Charles Stanley
“Every guy wants a battle to fight and a beauty to fight for…” John Eldridge
Maybe it’s just me, but I want a guy who isn’t afraid to through a punch if needed. Girls want to know they have a man whom they feel safe with. It’s not my job to defend the family, I am a girly-girl and I like that, and I am okay with that. I simply just don’t want a man who is a wuss.
In most guys there is the desire to fight, but to fight for something. I love the idea of being the beauty, the muse, that a man is fights for. I think most girls do. If a guy is pursuing you in a godly way he will fight for you.
That doesn’t meant he hits any guy that looks at you. Yes, there is a physical aspect…but this kind of fight is way more important. You want a guy who fights on his knees. A man who knows where the REAL battle is and fights for you and him, your relationship and possible future on his knees & he is willing to lay down his life for you.
The last thing the enemy wants is godly marriages; so do not think in this day in age you are going to get one handed to you on a silver platter. He needs to be a man of prayer, but you also need to be praying for him too, because the battle men face today ladies we do not understand…but they need prayer. You want a man who leads in prayer, but who not only can hit someone when it is needed, but who also knows how to through a right hook at Enemy.
5) Forever a mystery to unveil
“Marriage is hard work, but completely worth it and one of God’s greatest gifts.” – What is He thinking? By: Rebecca St. James
Never stop the search. Never stop the chase. I love that God didn’t stop pursuing me once he won me. Jesus did not stop pursuing my heart after I was saved. Nope, salvation was only the beginning.
Dating is only the beginning. You are not going to find ever little bitty thing out about that person. You will both over the years change and grow. But, you make the choice to do it together and continue learning about each other. Do what you did in the beginning. You will be forever learning about each other. There will always be a mystery to unveil; something new to discover.
This whole romance thing is a great big mystery, but it also takes time. Marriage is a journey. Love is a risk. But it is worth it.
Like I said, before I use to hate the whole concept but now I see the beauty in it. It’s about so much more than who texts who or who called who. Thats how people simply communicate now. That is not how you define pursuing. Pursuit is someone seeking you out to get to know you, as they get to know you and you get to know them, the more you know about each other there is a good chance you will fall in love with each other. At some point there is a mutual pursuit of each other--its just the guys job to lead in the pursuit. That passion and desire is meant to make the guy make some decisions, but that even before the wedding day and forever more he would fight for you, and that you would seek to discover each other more and more over the years.
We over spiritualize this whole thing sometimes, I think. Prayer is going to be KEY in any relationship…especially a romantic one. If you desire to honor and glorify God. But, remember the most important thing is that regardless if you have a guy calling you at night, or have a date for Friday…more importantly is you have a God who pursued you and continues to pursue you. He will not relent until he has your heart.
But now, God’s Message, the God who made you in the first place, Jacob,
the One who got you started, Israel:
“Don’t be afraid, I’ve redeemed you.
I’ve called your name. You’re mine. When you’re in over your head, I’ll be there with you. When you’re in rough waters, you will not go down.
When you’re between a rock and a hard place, it won’t be a dead end—
Because I am God, your personal God, The Holy of Israel, your Savior.
I paid a huge price for you: all of Egypt, with rich Cush and Seba thrown in!
That’s how much you mean to me!
That’s how much I love you!
I’d sell off the whole world to get you back, trade the creation just for you. “So don’t be afraid: I’m with you.
I’ll round up all your scattered children,
pull them in from east and west.
I’ll send orders north and south: ‘Send them back.
Return my sons from distant lands,
my daughters from faraway places.
I want them back, every last one who bears my name,
every man, woman, and child
Whom I created for my glory, yes, personally formed and made each one.’”- Isaiah 43:1-7 (msg)
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