Lower Expectations. NOT Standards!

“Brendon Observed, ‘Girls can dive into the depths of a relationship while a guy is still climbing the ladder to the diving board.’” –What is He Thinking? by: Rebecca St. James (Pg 135)

         If you’re a girl who is anything like I am, then you have probably at some stage in your life bought into this fairy tale: when I meet “the one,” we will fall easily and perfectly in love and then it will be marriage, babies, and happily ever after. It’s gonna be just like the movies and the books…we might encounter a little trial or two on our way to wedded bliss but it won’t be anything terribly challenging, just enough to make the payoff of the proposal even more romantic.

            I have asked dozen of married couples about their stories. Almost none of them sound like the fairy tale above. Some weren’t  really attracted to their spouse when they first met. Some broke up for a period of time before getting engaged. Some met online through a dating service. Every story is different and unique. There is no regimen to follow. No perfect way. In fact, I daresay that if you’re looking for perfection in dating, you will never get married. This is primarily because none of us are perfect.

            I am learning that the main ingredient in a great relationship of any sort is—are you ready for this?—grace. I need it, the guy I’m with needs it, and we both need it from God—so we can show it to each other.

            I learned a big lesson along these lines through one of my dating relationships. Let’s call my guy Jason. I felt that Jason and I were pretty perfect for each other. We brought out the “kid” in each other; enjoyed a lot of the same things; had very similar hearts for God, ministry, and family—and were very attracted to each other. It was pretty much perfect. But in my mind, our communication was not up to par. I thought.  Our conversations should just about always be fun, witty, and deep. I should feel closer to him at the end of each conversation. (Even as I write this, I realize how ridiculous I sound!) I hadn’t consciously thought about these expectations beforehand, but my disappointment after quite a few of our chats—especially ones on the phone—was evidence of unmet expectations. A friend of mine calls it the “dreaded E  word” Oh, the distress of living in the world of should.

           

            -But shouldn’t it be like this or that when you’re in love?

            -I think it should be more like so  and so’s relationship

-I should try harder. He should try harder. If he really liked me he probably would.

-But shouldn’t it just all come naturally?

I’m not so sure anymore. It seems to me that dating and the movement toward love takes a lot of honesty, a lot of grace, and a lot of prayer.

            In her book, Marry Him: The Case of Settling for Mr. Good Enough, author Lori Gottlieb shares:

            According to the most recent Census Bureau report, one-third of men and one-fourth of women between 30 and 34 have never been married. These numbers are four times higher than they were in 1970. At first, this might look like a positive trend—people are more mature at the age of marriage now. But many single women I talked to feel differently…         

            A barber in Montana said, “I have boatloads of eligible men as clients, but many of them have told me that they’re ready to write off dating entirely. They say that the modern American women brings nothing to the relationship except their deep-seated hunger for him to be her everything—unless something better comes along.”

            Or as a 29-year-old single dentist in Atlanta put it, “Women are always asking, ‘Where are all the good guys?’ And I say, ‘You can’t see them with your nose in the air.’”

            Maybe we need to GET OVER OURSELVES!

            Barry Schwartz, professor at Swarthmore College, said, “You’re continually looking over your shoulder to see if there’s something better. And the more you look over your shoulder, the less good you’ll end up feeling about your partner or a potential partner—even though he’s probably just as good, on balance, as the people you’re look at.”

            God taught me two big things through my relationship with Jason. First, my expectations (of him, of myself, and of us) were way too high. In a good relationship, certain aspects of your friendship (like communication) grow over time, especially as you learn to trust each other more.

            The second thing that I needed to learn was to chill. To let go. To  stop trying to control and maximize  the relationship. Most guys are pretty in tune with the underlying pressure we put on ourselves, on them, and on the relationship. As I relaxed with Jason and let my expectations go (a form of grace), our conversations took an amazing turn for the better.

[St. James Rebecca. What is He Thinking? p. 131-134.]