There Is No Key

There always seems to be trends in the Christian community when it comes to the topic of relationships. For a time all there seemed to be were books and articles about True Love Waits, When God Writes Your Love Story, or Kiss Dating Goodbye. Articles like, “Waiting on God’s best. How to know if they are “the one.” You get the idea. Like me you probably even read some of them.

All those books and articles defiantly feed the helpless romantic in me. The idea that “you’ll just know when they are the one” or “It’ll happen when you least expect it or when you’re not looking.” We all love that idea. Especially if you’re heart is to serve the Lord Jesus and live for His glory, your desire most likely is to want to honor and glorify Him in all you do (that includes relationships). Been there. Still am there.

But a few years ago something shifted for me and it seems to have shifted in a lot of people--The REALITY of marriage. It’s one thing to dream up this amazing love story, but then you wake up the next day and life starts.

Suddenly I found myself cringing at even the sight of a book or article that promoted that “fairy tale” mentality. Not because I’m a syndic, but because with age comes a dose of reality, and hopefully wisdom, with it. That doesn’t mean I don’t expect romance, every girl wants romance, but something in my heart shifted as God began to teach me about the whole design of marriage--The purpose for which it was created. God created it (Genesis 2), therefore, He and HE alone gets to define it.

These are very simple points but yet they were life changing for me:

1)   Marriage is a gift not a goal

If you have talked with me at all over the last year for any length of time about relationships this little saying probably came out of my mouth. It was something I felt the Lord whisper to my heart one night as I was reading (1 Cor 7:7) were Paul is talking about being single vs. being married. "I wish that all of you were as I am.But each of you has your own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that."

Paul called both being single and being married a gift. We tend to focus on the "gift of singleness" instead of realizing there is also a "gift of marriage." We HAVE to change the way we view marriage.

Getting married is not a goal!!!

 If we view that way, if you are like me, you continue to strive. Trying to reach what you see as a goal. Does that make since? You're never satisfied or content. You're always distracted because you're doing everything you know to do to reach your goal, yet you still haven't. Which in turn creates frustration. It’s not something that should be on our "life check list" of “things to do before we die.” It's good to desire marriage. I desire marriage and family. The way you can tell if it's become more of a goal than a desire is your attitude and actions towards a lack of it. I could go on and go, but hopefully you get the idea.  The reason? 

2)   The Goal, is to be made more like Christ...

At the end of the day it’s about being Holy as He is Holy. Being made more like Christ. The fancy word for that is Sanctification (the working out of our salvation).

Lately when I think marriage Proverbs 27:27 has been coming to mind,  “As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another." That’s what marriage is (among many other things). It's one of the ways God chisels away at the pieces of us that don't look like His Son, Jesus.

I have so many friends tell me (that are married) you want to know how selfish you are? Get married.  One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned is that if being married is what is best for me, and what is good for, so that I may be made more like Christ...then it will happen. But, on God’s timetable, not mine.  That doesn’t mean that there won’t be effort involved on my or the man's part. Any relationship takes two people putting in the time and effort. Healthy relationship don't just happen on their own. But our relationships (especially marriage relationships) are about being the Gospel on display. With that also comes God chiseling at the things that don’t look like His Son, and many times He uses marriage to do just that.

I share those two points to say: the whole trend has flipped. We've gone extreme. Now, its “cool” to write books and articles about how there is “no such thing as ‘the one’.”  That God doesn’t have someone special for you, just pick. True Love Waits is a joke. Maybe you’ve read some or seen some of the article and books I'm talking about. I know I have. I’ve even re-posted a few I liked (that had some valid points).

But this is where I fall these days.

Over the last few years (without really realizing it) I was wrestling this whole thing out with God. The whole: make a list, pray for your future husband, be Ms. Right before you meet Mr. Right, when you're satisfied in Christ then you’ll meet the one…etc. Ever clique or lesson you can think on this topic I had felt like I heard or I taught myself.

Yet, I hit a wall. I was doing all the “right things” and NOTHING but heartache seemed to follow.

So, for a season I jumped on the “there is no such thing as the one, just pick someone” bandwagon. More out of bitterness, if I'm honest. 

Continuing to wrestle it out with God, this is what I have learned. When I say wrestling, all I mean is that I had questions and doubts that I kept coming to God with. I wanted to truth in the worst way. I didn't want to be caught up in legalistic rules, especially in this area.  Meaning, "If I keep these rules, I'll get this reward." See what I mean? We have to be careful. So this is what I've learned and it was revolutionary. Ready? This is going to be MIND BLOWING!!!

Stop Worrying About It!

That’s not what you expected, huh?

Why do I say to not worry about it so much? Because, what happens is we start to boast in our ways. We think we have “figured it out.” We finally “found” the formula. We “figured out” God’s secret. All the articles that people write (that I’ve read) that are married seem to be almost boasting  in the fact that because they are married now, somehow that means they figured out the secret to go from single to married. They found the cure for singleness..haha. When being single isn't a disease that needs a cure anyway. It's a season. 

I love what my friend Heather (whose has been married for a few years now) told me one time. Kyle and I didn’t get married because we figured our how to do relationships perfectly. We just wanted to not know what we were doing together.

The Lord begun to show me my heart, and the truth that had I gotten the kind of earthly “love story” I wanted, when I wanted,  and how I wanted…I would have BOASTED in my good works. And you know what, thats EXACTLY what would have happened.

In my pride I would have probably written blog posts and books about how I did (fill in the blank) and look how I was rewarded! Just being honest!

So what happened, I flipped it and for a season it was that there was NO FORMULA. Just pick someone and trust God. Even in that there can be pride because if that works, then I tend to think, “that’s the way it works.”

All those books about Kissing Dating Goodbye  and When God Writes Your Love Story are great books. Those books tell beautiful stories that are those couples stories of what God did in their lives. I’ve read many books like those and even those very books themselves, and there is a lot of godly wisdom in them that we can walk away with. We just have to be careful to not be legalistic or make marriage or our “future spouse” and idol. We can't look at those books at the formula we must follow to get the result we desire. That was their story. Yours may be different. We can learn from them, but we shouldn't try to be them. Everyone's  earthly love stories is unique.

On the flip side, it’s important to have a element of reality (like many articles that are out today about on Christian Dating) are trying to share. I’m assuming the heart is to remind us we are marrying a human not a robot. They are a sinner, just like you.  It won’t be perfect, it may not happen when and how you thought. It most likely will not be anything like you imagined. It’s been mostly married couples wanting to shed a little reality light on fairy tales dreams…which isn’t wrong either. We should seek to learn from those above us. 

Everyone has valid points. I guess the point I’m trying to make is that we need to be careful to not boast in one way of doing dating/courting vs. another. As long as what you're doing doesn't contradict  Scripture in anyway, how you do romantic relationships is between you and God. Yes, have standards (Biblical standards) but we also have to realized we cannot put God in a box.

What works for one may not work for all.

Example: I know people who waited until their wedding day to kiss and I know people who practiced their wedding kiss...Lol. Both have Christ-centered marriages. For some girls, A list is a great idea but I also know girls that never had a list and still married a godly man and seek to have a Christ-centered marriage. I have friends who married the only guy they ever dated, I have friends who dated A LOT before settling down. I have friends that when they got married they were both virgins, I have friends that both were not, I have friends that one was and the other wasn't. There are couples that is was love at first sight, some were friends for years before dating, some dated and broke up with each other multiple times before finally getting married, some had a rocky start to their friendship but it ended beautifully. I could keep going, but I think you get the idea.Each of our earthly love stories will be different. They will all be unique and beautiful love stories written by the ultimate romantic—God! Who is Love! He knows who we need. That's who he is gonna give you. Who you need. Who you want and who you need are sometimes different, and God knows the plans He has for you. So trust His Spirit as He guides you. 

Throughout this week the phrase burning in my heart to share is something that sounds simple, but yet seems to be very difficult to do for many of us when it comes to the topic of relationships. It’s simply this—Just Love Jesus!!! 

Pursue the heart of God with all that is within you. Seeking Him first. Make that your aim. Trust that if marriage is best, at the right time it’ll come. It’s designed to be apart of the journey not the end goal. I think as girls we tend to treat marriage as our life goal (I know I use to), and it’s not.

It’s all about Jesus!

That’s it!

It’s all about the glory of God and pointing other to Him.

And if marriage will help you do that, then trust God that His timing is best. That doesn’t mean he is going to necessarily drop someone in you lap. It will take effort on both parts to make a relationship work. Every relationship has obstacles that will have to be overcome. But, don’t think for a moment that God doesn’t care who you marry, because he does. I do think we overthink it some times, though. It’s not that God doesn’t care, it's just that because we have His very Spirit living in us sometimes He just asks us to  make a choice and we are called to trust His Sovereignty--but that doesn’t mean He doesn’t care. God cares about every detail of who we are and our lives (Ps 139).

I’m not sure if this is making any since. One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned this last year has been surrender! Trusting God completely, not my rules and formulas. Just go where He leads! 

Whenever I do get married, I want God to get all the glory.

If we are not careful, without realizing it, instead of giving God the glory for bring two people together to be united in marriage; in our pride we give glory to our rules and our formulas.

Again, I’m not saying don’t have standards!!! But I think if you’re desire is to glorify God with your life, you won’t be asking how close to the edge can I dance, anyway.

This post is more to simply share something I’ve had to learn (the hard way). Do not boast in YOUR own good works!!! There is not a key (i.e rule or formula) that puts God in a corner, and twist His arm ,so to speak, into giving you marriage. 

If thats all we want...we need to do a major heart check. If all we are after is a formula so we can get married...we are missing the bigger picture of which marriage was even created for in the first place.

May we simply desire to know God and make Him known. For most people, marriage will happen along the journey. I pray that we would begin to see it as just that, a gift from God along the journey toward the goal of being made more like Christ. In helping spread the good new of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. The goal of bringing God glory with our lives!